Four different sizes! Four different options! Now all we gotta do is agree on what to call them.
Of course, the names of mattress sizes are traditional. King? Queen? Full? That's a look back at the days of European lords and ladies! But haven't we, as Americans, advanced beyond this point? So let's come up with some newer and better names. RIGHT NOW!
For California King, let's use... UNITED STATES SENATE LIBRARIAN SIZED! The Librarian of the U.S. Senate has a lot of readying to do. That's why they need so much extra room in their bed! With a United States Senate Librarian Sized Mattress, you'll have extra comfort in every direction.
For Standard King, let's use... SPEAKER OF THE ALTHING SIZED! The Althing is the parliament of Iceland, and it is the oldest extant parliamentary institution in the world. It dispenses powerful justice and decides on laws. That's tiring work! So a good sized mattress is essential so that the poor Speaker can get a good night's sleep.
For Queen Sized, let's use... GOVERNOR-GENERAL OF BARBADOS SIZED! Now, it is well known that, once upon a time, the Governor-Generals of British colonies simply provided a rubber stamp for the policies of the Crown itself. However, Barbados gained independence in 1966, and today's Governor-General has far more to do than simply drink gin and swear. That's why a Governor-General needs a mattress that's roomy... but not extravagant!
For Full Sized, let's use... BYZANTINE USURPER SIZED! An usurper must sleep lightly. An usurper must be ready at a moment's notice. An usurper can take no one into their confidence, and so much sleep alone. And that's exactly what a full sized mattress offers. Just enough room for you and a stout stick.
Starting immediately, please start using the new terms when discussing all mattresses. Okay? Great.