Pyrex, not Pie Wrecks.
Hi, I'm here to talk about this Pyrex baking set that won't absorb stains or odors because of its special glass-stuff, but c'mon every one knows what Pyrex is. So instead I'm going to use this space to talk about my new blog, Pie Wrecks: Where Pies Go Wild And By Wild I Mean Wrong And By Wrong I Mean SO WRONG!
Here, look at this one! See that diamond pattern cut into the over crust? Well, look here: I measured out each of those diamond and they vary in area by WHOLE MILLIMETERS! I mean, what a friggin' IDIOT that baker is, right?!
And here, check out this pumpkin pie. Looks like a nice smooth top, right? Well look closer. No, closer. Closer than that too. Zoom in just a little bit more. Now, enhance. Enhance again. Double-enhance. And BLAM, look at that dimple right there. Consider the myth of the perfect pie BUSTED! YOU DUMMY!
Oh but THIS one is THE BEST: a simple pecan pie, right? BUT WAIT! Through the use of some complicated facial recognition software, I was able to discern the identity of the three young people sitting behind it, and with the help of friend in law enforcement who owed me a favor, I got their contact info. I then interviewed each of them and they confirmed my suspicions: that the pie was baked and consumed on March 3rd, well outside of the October to December window deemed by the Georgia Pecan Commission as peak harvesting time. ENJOY YOUR STALE PECANS, YOU TERRIBLE JERKS!
So yeah, be sure to check back every third Monday for more PIE WRECKS!! Oh, and buy Pyrex baking stuff or whatever.