Sorry, but I'm not in the market for a Germ Guardian. Now if you have a JerkGuardian, that's another story.
Not that she asked for it, or even remotely wanted it, but after Danielle had broken her ankle, Phil declared that he'd be taking care of her until she got back on her feet again.
Truth be told, Danielle was pretty certain he hadn't paid his rent for awhile and just needed a place to hide out. And after only a couple hours, he was already complaining.
"Can't you just get that glass of water yourself? I'm still tired from getting you that blanket earlier."
Danielle hobbled as best as she could to the kitchen on her crutches, but when she reached for a glass in the cabinet, she stumbled, and it hit the ground and shattered.
"Oh, and since you're up, can you grab me a soda from the fridge?" yelled Phil from the couch.
Danielle couldn't take it anymore. "That is IT, Phil! Why are you even here? I didn't ask for your help, not that you're actually HELPING. Why don't you just leave? Seriously. GET OUT!"
Suddenly, there was a knock at the door. Danielle looked at the door and then looked at Phil. Phil looked back at Danielle and said, "Well. Are you gonna get that or what?"
"UGGGGGGHHHHHH!" screamed Danielle as she hobbled over to the door.
It was Craig. "Hey, look at you all up and about! I just thought I'd bring you this air purifier since you've been cooped up in here for … what is HE doing here?"
"Who, ME?" said Phil from the couch. "Who are YOU?"
"Phil, this is Craig. Craig this is …" said Danielle. But Craig interrupted her.
"I know who it is. That's your jerk ex-boyfriend. Or is he even an ex anymore?"
Phil jumped up off the couch. "Who are you calling jerk, you jerk?"
"Phil, knock it off. Craig …" Danielle started to say.
"You're the jerk, JERK!" said Craig.
"Are you guys even serious right now?" said Danielle.
Phil stepped forward and knocked the Germ Guardian out of Craig's hands. They stood nose-to-nose.
"Get out of my face!" said Craig.
"Make me, bro!" said Phil as he shoved Craig. Craig shoved back harder, and then Phil took a swing.
"Is this actually happening?" yelled Danielle. "Knock it off, you two!"
Phil was just about to take another swing when Danielle clubbed them both over the heads with one of her crutches. "Get. Out. Both of you. GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT!"
"Fine!," said Phil. "Have fun retrieving your wubbie, or whatever it is you call that disgusting, tattered blanket you've had since you were 3." He punched the door frame on his way out.
Craig hesitated for a minute as if he was about to apologize. But when he saw the disappointment on Danielle's face, he thought better of it.
"Well anyway, enjoy the fresh air. It has multi-level air cleaning system and a powerful UV-C light that kills bacteria and …"
"Craig," Danielle interrupted. "Just leave. Please."
Craig nodded and shut the door quietly behind him.
Danielle looked down at the mess the two boys had made during their scuffle and started to cry.