Get kicked out of the local club because your DJ set was too AMAZING and GROUNDBREAKING? Well, get one of these and refocus your art into CAKE and PIE!

Man, I remember back in the early 1990s when a DJ could get up and mix Aphex Twin into a piece of sandpaper while his buddy threw basketballs into an oil drum. That was the golden age. Today, though, people just want pop songs with a "drop" in the middle. Whatever. That's why I'VE moved into the kitchen.

Now I use a Cuisinart 5.5 Quart Stand Mixer to get my message across. It's got a slow start, just like my old turntable used to have, but this baby's got 12 speeds. If I want to whip, I whip! If I want mad beating, I flip it to beat! And this 5.5 Quart Stainless Steel Bowl is much better than, what, Calvin Harris? Kitty Pryde? Why do all these people have real names now, anyway? What ever happened to Photek and Goldie?

Anyway, instead of releasing 7" white labels, now I can drop cupcakes. And let me tell you, I've got the freshest stuff. Super hot. I mean that literally too, it's just now coming out of the oven. Don't burn yourself on the pan, okay? Let it cool a little and my producer will add some icing in a few. Yeah, I know, I don't like it either, but the label demanded it. This business is all about compromise, you know?

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