No, actually, this chainsaw wouldn’t be good to have on hand in the event of a zombie apocalypse.

It’s sad sometimes to look through our discussion forums here at Woot. It isn’t because of any spelling, capitalization, or grammatical errors. Goodness knows we writers have been guilty of a few of those in our time. And even though the “I HATE THE STUPID WRITEUPS JUST GIMME THE PRODUCTS SPECS” comments are hurtful at times, the sadness that brings us is usually fixed by a few glasses of cheap whiskey. No, what really causes my heart to hang heavy in my chest is realizing how just many of you are going to die trying to wield a Hitachi 16” PureFire 2-Stroke Gas-Powered Chain Saw during the inevitable zombie apocalypse.

Look, I understand that it’s a completely natural reaction. The moment any normal person lays eyes on a chainsaw, especially one with a 16” Oregon Bar & Chain, the first thing you think of is how you’ll look super awesome defending your family by carving up a few zombies with the thing. I do it, too! But it’s just not practical, people. Let’s look at the facts:

- No matter how great the outstanding power-to-weight ratio is at reducing fatigue, you’re still going to get a killer ache in your arms holding the chainsaw up high enough to destroy a zombie’s brain. Not only that, but holding a chainsaw that high it not only dangerous, but it also blocks your line of sight AND leaves your torso exposes to the swiping claws of the undead.

- The 32.2cc, 1.6 horsepower commercial grade engine is certainly powerful enough to rip the average shambler to shreds. No one’s disputing that. But do you know what else it’s good at? MAKING NOISE. Sure, you might be able to take out one or two zombies with it, but the sound of that 2-stroke engine is going to bring any others within earshot directly to your location. No matter what videogames have taught you, trying to saw through fifteen or twenty zombies at once isn’t going to be easy.

- At a dry weight of 8.6 lbs, it’s certainly not the heaviest chainsaw on the market, but do you really want to carry it around with you as you traverse the undead-ridden wasteland of what use to be civilization? Of course not! I’d rather have 8.6 lbs of food, water, and clean socks in that case. And, personally, I’d rather use any gasoline I find to power a generator or automobile, not this portable anchor.

Listen, if you want to a fine chainsaw with which to cut up fallen timber or clear out a tree line, the Hitachi 16” PureFire 2-Stroke Gas-Powered Chain Saw will do the job nicely. If you want to survive hoards of flesh-eaters, get a machete or a shotgun or something. Leave the chainsaw wielding to the horror movies heroes.

Back to top