Cursed be the safety features that prevent you from offing yourself.

Ernie rubbed his itchy eyes and blew his runny nose. He was miserable. Could be allergies, could be a cold. Could be karma.

He slunk down in the bed and pulled the covers up to his eyes and peered at the contraption that Brandi had set up at the end of the bed.

"It's a 4-in-1 Heater and Air Purifier," she said in a voice at least two octaves too high for a woman her age. "It'll keep you toasty warm and sterilize all those widdle icky germs of yours out of the air at the same time!" Why she insisted on speaking to him in baby talk, he would never understand.

Ernie squinted at her, annoyed. He was about at his breaking point with this girl. And he missed Marjorie. It used to be that when he was sick, Majorie would tuck him in bed with some homemade chicken noodle soup and the sports page. And when he was REALLY feeling rotten, she'd bring him a warm oatmeal cookie.

Brandi handed him the phone and a Chinese take-out menu before running out the door to her Pilates class.

Though he hated to admit it, he did appreciate the fact that the contraption was also a humidifier. The winters were usually murder on his sinuses. He did notice that the on-board refillable water tank was getting low, however. It was only a matter of time before the place started to dry up again. Why hadn't the little twit refilled it before she had abandoned him?

He kicked at it angrily, but only managed to nudge it. It was on castors, so it simply rolled a few inches away. This just agitated him more. He scootched down into the bed and kicked a little harder. This time, the unit toppled over and crashed to the floor.

Ernie was pleased with himself. Surely the heater would catch fire and engulf the apartment in flames. Then she'd feel really bad for leaving him alone while he was sick.

But what he didn't know was that it had an automatic tip-over shut-off feature. So unfortunately, he'd live to see another day with that beautiful nitwit.

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