That Elton John song would have been a lot different if all candles were flameless.

Sometimes when people are feeling romantic, they'll put on some music, light up some candles and drink some wine. Then they'll snuggle up with the one they love, perhaps in a bubble bath or even a jacuzzi, and feed each other romantic things like chocolate strawberries, or just chocolate or just strawberries, by the soft flicker of flaming wax.

But not me.

I do it when I'm feeling sad. When I just want to sit by myself in the near-darkness and reflect on how miserable I am. Those times when I'm torn between self-loathing and hating the whole world, especially guys who use the word "bro" or "brosef" or "broster" which is like a guy who's a hipster but also kind of a bro.

The only difference is that I don't drink wine. I drink Tang spiked with vodka. I also don't eat strawberries, chocolate-dipped or not, because I have a severe allergy. And I definitely don't use candles with real flames. I use battery-powered LED candles that flicker like real flames because the last thing I need is to accidentally kick over a real candle, burn down my house with me in it, and have everyone assume I did it on purpose. I'm not suicidal. I'm just a drama queen AND SO WHAT?

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