ATTN: Creative Department, Woot.com:

This memo is just to inform you about the ground rules for the writeup on the Black & Decker Ratcheting ReadyWrench sale.

1) Be sure to note the Black & Decker Ratcheting ReadyWrench offers 16 of the most popular standard and metric sizes.

2) Call attention to the ratcheting action and the ease of use for most repairs, from home to auto.

3) At NO point make the “Socket To Me” joke. This also applies even if you spell it “2” or if you change “Me” to “You” instead. If you have ANY question as to whether or not your joke may fit this rule, DO NOT USE IT IN THE WRITEUP.

4) Do not call the Black & Decker Ratcheting ReadyWrench a “tool of tremendous power” as this may cause giggling among readers of curious morals.

5) Be certain not to create some sort of script where the Black & Decker Ratcheting ReadyWrench meets a friend and has a conversation. That will cheapen the Black & Decker Ratcheting ReadyWrench and make it seem common, thus removing the magic implicit in the manganese finish.

6) Having people talk about the Black & Decker Ratcheting ReadyWrench is fine, but try to make them young people, maybe about age 25 or so, and up-to-date with current trends, only not in a way that makes them seem “hipstery” or “geeky” because that will limit the audience. Focus on the Black & Decker Ratcheting ReadyWrench’s strengths. Maybe make a joke about how the Black & Decker Ratcheting ReadyWrench can do math? It can’t, but it’ll make people associate it with intelligence.

7) Hey, wouldn’t it be a good gag if the Black & Decker Ratcheting ReadyWrench was a time traveller? Like, he meets a dinosaur trying to build a treehouse and they become friends and then go to a rock concert? Something cool, like Jay-Z or The Rolling Stones. In fact, I remember going to see the Stones back in ‘73, and man, did THAT rock! Yeah, see if you can do that, none of that crap the kids today listen to.

8) Can the dinosaur be a triceratops? I know they test well with kids, and it could bring synergy in the upcoming market. We gotta think long term as well as short term in this.

9) Try to use the letter “I” as little as possible. Like, instead of writing “little” you could write “small” or “teeny” perhaps. That’ll be the kind of thing people notice subconsciously, and then we can incept our audience with the idea that the Black & Decker Ratcheting ReadyWrench is the best way to ratchet.

10) Above all, have fun! And be creative! Consider these notes simple guidelines. You guys know your jobs, after all, and we respect that.

11) Can the dinosaur be female? But not girly female. Maybe we could call her “dinogrrl” once in the third paragraph and then again in the closing sentence.

Thanks and can’t wait to see the next rough draft! And be aware, I’ll be out for a six week vacation in about a half hour, so if you could get me all this asap so we can talk about any new changes, it would be great.

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