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*squirrel noises* *showcases nuts, highlighting how delicious, affordable, and addictive they are* *more squirrel noises* *bad joke about nuts, vaguely dirty* *squirrel noises sounding suspiciously like a loser laughing alone at his own joke* *veiled threat or insult directed at buyer* *Woot namedrop* *some more squirrel noises*
Squirrel Nuts is not, as you might suspect, a company run by insane squirrels. We're not saying there are no insane squirrels in the company, though. Much like the precogs of Minority Report, the insane squirrels are plugged into complex technology and exploited to find awesome nuts before they finish growing. Their suffering is your gain, so don't call PETA or you won't get any more delicious Squirrel Nuts from those nutty mistreated squirrels.