Our buyer thought he was being smart, tying all our money up in what he called “our hedge fund.” Guess it’s good news for you.

We can’t blame the guy, he only had the best of intentions. He heard the Euro was in crisis and the Yen might be next, so he figured he should do what the high rollers do, and turn all our investments into something to hedge our bets. Only it’s so easy to get confused with finances, isn’t it? And that’s why we’ve got a big pile of Black & Decker Corded Dual-Action Hedge Trimmers and our buyer’s walking around looking sheepish and apologizing to everyone.

But hey, maybe he’s a secret genius. Because the Black & Decker Corded Dual-Action Hedge Trimmer has that 20” blade and the three-sided comfort handle with a lock-on switch for continuous running. It’s rust-resistant and that motor’s gonna slice through any 3/4” foliage you throw its way. This could be exactly what you need to trim up your lawn for spring and summer. And since that’s in the future… aren’t we basically selling future options here? Transferring previous assets across a hedge fund to ensure maximum gain in an upcoming quarter at low risk to all participants?

Because, let’s face it, the guys who say things like that don’t really know what they mean either. That’s how we got into this situation in the first place. So help us move some of these Black & Decker Corded Dual-Action Hedge Trimmers today. Because if you don’t, we’re gonna demand a governmental bailout to support our hedge futures, and let’s face it, we’re a corporation, so we’re more important than you.

Well, not you, we like you. We’re talking about those people over there. Yeah, those jerks. They’re not cool like you are. Say, have you ever considered a high-risk low-yield Ponzi investment? Step into the office so we can talk in private…

Back to top