12,000 BTUs? That might require a different measurement...

So, we all know the metric system and- WHOA WHOA WHOA Don't panic! We're not suggesting we change to it! Why, we're as loyal to the American system of British measurements as anyone else within a one cubic oxface radius of here! It's just that sometimes you need a quick way to illustrate how cold a 12,000 BTU Portable Air Conditioner can make a room. And we'd like to propose the following:

1 BTU = 1 Hipstron.

Of course, the Hipster is the ultimate arbiter of what is and isn't cool. Using it as a scientific measurement only makes logical sense, doesn't it? With the Hipstron Scale, it will soon become very easy to rank everything from most cool to least cool.

That album in your Mom's car? 1 Micro-Hipstron. That same album, being sampled ironically by a London DJ? Shoots up to 1 Deca-Hipstron. A leather jacket? 1 Centa-Hipstron. A pair of neon blue pants? 1 Micro-Hipstron in 1994, 1 Mega-Hipstron in 2014. See? It's easy!

So, on this scale, a 12,000 BTU Air Conditioner would rate the same as the first Velvet Underground album on vinyl being listened to by a 19 year old Hungarian girl wearing a Public Enemy shirt and dangling a red heart pendant from the wrist on which she's tattooed Serge Gainsbourg's name as her other hand wraps around a tiny jelly jar full of iced coffee onto which Batgirl is painted.

Now isn't that so much easier than having to puzzle out those pesky numbers?

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