It's time to step up your fort-building game. FOR YOU.

Dear Adulthood Friend,

I received your invitation in the mail for "An evening of cocktails, dinner and merriment." Before I RSVP yes or no, I'm going to need a few clarifications. Merriment can take on many forms, but for the sake of simplicity, I'm going to assume you mean "fort building." That being determined, I would firstly and foremostly like to inquire as to the thread count of your fort-building sheets. Nothing short of 600 thread count 100% Egyptian Cotton sheets will do.

As you may well know, I am not green to the ways of living-room fort building. Where one amateur (some would say "childish") fort builder might simply weigh down each corner of the sheet with a heavy book or porcelain Shih Tzu statuette, I have patented a unique pulley system with quick-install grommets and double-braided nylon marine rope. This eliminates two things: 1. The chance of the corners becoming unsecured and collapsing in on the fort dwellers and 2. The need for a tall-backed chair or broom handle for the center support. Simply install a grommet in the middle of the sheet, affix the double-braided rope to an overhead light fixture or ceiling fan and bask in the vastly improved head room.

The pulley system, however, was designed specifically to work with the aforementioned 600 thread count 100% Egyptian Cotton. So if you're just going to bust out your kid's old jersey cotton Spider-Man sheets, I will respectfully decline your invitation.

Secondly, will there be Shirley Temples? I require a clear and sober head when fort building, so cocktails containing alcohol will not do. (And don't skimp on the cherries. The bright red ones in the sticky juice). Thank you for your attention to these matters. I look forward to your response.

Sincerely, Your Friend,

Reginald P. Scuttlebutt

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