This spot looks nice, right? Can’t we picnic here? Fine, then can I at least take a moment to catch my breath?

Look, I know you want this picnic to be “perfect” and stuff, but you know what’d really be swell right now? Not feeling this burning in my legs and lungs. That would really make this the best “three month anniversary of the day we kissed” or whatever day this is supposed to be.

Ballpark it for me: About how much longer am I gonna lug this Kelty Picnic Pack around? ‘Cause, I gotta tell ya, too many rocks or too many trees doesn’t really concern me much anymore, not so much as self-preservation. I know I’m a little out of shape, but you’ve got enough food in the compartments and pockets of this freestanding beast to feed five couples, not to mention everything you brought along for us to drink. Do we really need an entire twelve pack of soda in the waterproof cooler bottom AND two bottles of wine in the internal mesh wine bottle pockets? It just seems excessive. Kinda like walking all over these stupid woods for an hour just to eat a bunch of cold fried chicken and watch a dumb sunset.

Oh crap, I’m sorry, Stacy. I didn’t mean it. It’s just… No, of course I love you. Of course I’ve been looking forward to enjoying your egg salad. I… Sigh. Okay. Just a little further, then. I’m sure the view and your fruit cups will be much better just across that ridge.

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