Today there’s a lot of expectations on a vampire like me.

Back in the black-and-white days, it was just so easy! Walk around in a cape, cover your face a little bit, say a v instead of a w, people would be thrilled! That didn’t stay past the 70s, but even then it was pretty okay. You could sleep all day, go out at night, speak with a British accent and maybe hiss a few times and everyone was happy! You were a big scary vampire and that was that!

But now, thanks to author Princess Sparklypants, vampires aren’t dignified old men. No, no, they’re stylish 21 Jump Street -style high schoolers who are supposed to wander around willy-nilly to shopping malls and picnics and maybe even the prom or something. Can you imagine a self-respecting vampire going to the prom? Image is everything for a vampire like me, and that… that WOMAN completely ruined mine!

So what could I do? I had to install a four pack of Philips EnergySaver Dusk-to-Dawn Photosensor Light Bulbs all around my crypt, I just had to! With these, I don’t have to peek outside and risk getting zapped by a ray of errant sun. The Philips EnergySaver Dusk-to-Dawn Light Bulb with Photosensor detects daylight via the built-in sensor, turning the bulb on and off based on the time of day. Early morning? Bulb turns off! Late evening? Bulb turns on! I personally find it a perfect way to tell real darkness from twilight. Too bad no one else seems able to do the same.

I promise you, gentle reader, on my honor as a vampire, I will survive what She Who Shall Not Be Named has done to my people. And one day – well, one night, if you want to split hairs – we will be scary again.

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