Until someone starts making slow-cooked meat-scented candles, this will have to do.

I love you, honey. You know I do. And as far as shopping with you goes, it’s never really all that bad. You’re patient when I want to look at video games and computer stuff. When you’re trying on clothes, I sit quietly outside the fitting room without complaint. But there’s one teeny tiny thing that’s bugged the heck out of me since the moment we first entered a mall together so many years ago.

I hate the freakin’ candle store.

It smells HORRIBLE. They’ve always got some stupid new age music playing. Worst of all, it makes my Orange Julius taste funny the second we step inside. No, wait, that’s not the worst. The WORST bit is that you have to buy twenty different candles with awful names like “Blueberry Memories” or “Lilac-Vanilla Morning” or something just as bad. We aren’t old enough to have our house smell like a high-dollar nursing home, honey, and yet you insist on bringing that stuff into our home.

Well guess what? Two can play the aromatherapy game. Behold, my Showtime Pro Rotisserie & BBQ Oven with 15-Piece Accessory Kit and despair!

That’s right. Can you smell the change in the air? That’s the beef roast I’m cooking up all nice and slow. Breathe deep and let the aroma coming from the extra-wide cooking area take you back to a time when people ripped meat from bone with their teeth outside their caves! Isn’t that better than a “Boysenberry Eclipse?” What the heck is a Boysenberry Eclipse anyway?

And if you think this is good, just wait until I fill the house with the intoxicating scents of “Turkey Delight” and “Pork Loin Regrets,” as well as other meats and vegetables. Tomorrow we’ll be experiencing a real favorite of mine, “BBQ Ribs ‘Til I Burst,” thanks to the Rib basket with hooks.

Go ahead, honey. Just try to mask the meaty aroma with your Autumn Sunsets and your Winterberries. All the Peppermint Snow in the world can’t save you now.

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