Your Honor, when I asked my intern to “share my bed”, I was simply inviting her to go halfsies with me on a new air mattress.

It was a simple act of charity. Money’s tight for students like Miss Lowry. Simply buying her a 20” Airbed would have created the appearance of impropriety. But there’s no ethics rule prohibiting two people entering, as equals, into an agreement to jointly purchase something.

Unfortunately, Miss Lowry stormed out of the room before I had the chance to clarify my inquiry. I was going to say “I’ll use it on Mondays, Tuesdays, Fridays, and odd-numbered Sundays; you can have it Wednesdays, Thursdays, Saturdays, and even-numbered Sundays.” Thanks to their built-in, remote-controlled pumps, these 20” air beds inflate and deflate in literally a few minutes. They’re perfect for the kind of bed-sharing arrangement I had in mind.

I regret that Miss Lowry misunderstood my completely innocent proposal.

As for those photos Miss Lowry claims to have received, I have two things to say: one, I have never owned a pair of thong underwear like those in the photos, and two, my phone must have been hacked.

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