Great news, Roderick! You shan’t use a broom to clean anymore!

Oh no, my good man! I certainly did not install outlets in any of the 84 rooms in my sprawling mansion that are currently without them! How many times must I tell you? I don’t trust that thing called electricity one bit. I don’t care if the scientists say it’s mostly harmless; they’ve just been bought by the powers that be, if you ask me. No, we shall keep to our system of one outlet in the kitchen for bare essentials: the CB radio, the electric can opener, and, now, charging the Bissell Versus® Cordless Bare Floor Vacuum.

Yes, that’s right! A new cleaning tool! It’s like Christmas for you, is it not, Roderick! And wait until you see how effective it is! With its arm angled specifically to increase air flow and thus allow for greater suction, you’ll finally be able to pick up all the fine ruby-dust in the grand ballroom from August’s famously successful gem-grinding party. Not to mention, it can direct large debris easily into the center of its suction path with its v-shaped base, like a flock of ducks flying backwards. Which reminds me, the floor around the third-floor indoor duck pond could use some cleaning.

Yes, this Bissell is going to make your life much easier, Roderick. It’s much quicker than sweeping, so you don’t need to worry about getting trapped under a chunk of collapsing ceiling again! And its low profile allows you to get under furniture easily, so you’ll finally be able to clean up the dust under the red sofa in the parlor without worrying about the curse my third wife put on it.

It is a dawn of a new age here! A new age indeed! Now, before you begin cleaning like a mad man, do me one favor: take this gas lantern out to the Coop and bring me a carrier pigeon. I need to send Clarence a message about our lunch plans Tuesday.

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