Look, when you took me to be your husband, you took the whole me, okay, Mandy? And that includes all of my beliefs.

You know what my dad’s last words were to me before he disappeared? He said, “You need to tell the story, Bruce. You need to tell the world the real story of Thanksgiving. And you need to use visuals.” And gosh darn it, Mandy, I plan to do just that by decorating our lawn with these painted wooden cut-outs that I made using my Dremel Trio Rotary Tool Kit.

This one here is Santa, or at least Santa’s torso, because it’s supposed to look like he’s rising from the grave after being done in by a group of mutinous elves. You can touch it if you want, Mandy; it’s okay. You don’t need to worry about splinters because I sanded it before painting – which is easy, thanks to the Dremel’s telescoping foot for accurate depth control.

Moving onto the next part of the story, this one here represents when undead Santa karate fought a gang of evil turkeys on his way into town to get some answers about his death. Check out the detail on these feathers; it took quite a while to cut them all out, but luckily the Dremel has a pivoting handle that can be positioned straight-up or at a 90-degree angle for superior tool control and maximum comfort, so I didn’t have to kill my wrists! But, sorry, that’s not what’s important here. The important thing to know is that undead Santa won the fight, cooked the dastardly birds, and ate all nine of them in one sitting – which is shown in this cut-out over here – and that was the first Thanksgiving!

Here is the final piece: undead Santa, knowing his time on Earth is limited, is paying a group of gunmen on horseback to go after those aforementioned mutinous elves. He pays them a giant sum of gold rubles; that’s where the tradition of going out and spending a lot of money on stuff the day after Thanksgiving comes!

You look concerned, Mandy, and I think I know why. But there’s no need to worry; I didn’t make a huge mess in the garage. Since the Dremel has an on-board dust extraction port, it’s easy to maintain a clean workplace.

Those are happy tears, right, Mandy?

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