If you're doing gardening, you don't want to be eating poisons. Use a Fiskars Deluxe Telescoping Weeder instead! Nobody ever O.D.'d on elbow grease.

Farmer Diane picked up her Fiskars Deluxe Telescoping Weeder and stabbed it into the ground with a happy whistle. Behind her, the cows were swaying with joy and the chickens were singing. Buk buk! Buk buk! Tra la la la dee! Buk buk! Buk buk! Happy chickens we!

Farmer Diane pulled off her soft straw hat and wiped her brow. "Usin' this Fiskars Deluxe Telescoping Weeder sure is hard work!" she said to the little calico barn cat about her legs. The cat shrugged his tiny shoulders and winked, and Farmer Diane laughed. "You sure got that right, kitty! A farmer's gotta do what a farmer's gotta do!"

Without bending, Farmer Diane locked the serrated steel claws into the earth, grabbing the first weed by the root. "Ain't nothin' like the feel of good, honest labor!" she said, pulling back and triggering the easy-eject mechanism. The weed fell to the ground, coughed, and shook it's head.

"I know when I'm not wanted!" it fumed, pulling a hat and suitcase from nowhere. Farmer Diane laughed as the weed stormed out to the main gate and sat with a "Hmph!" on the bus stop bench.

"Farmer Diane! Farmer Diane!" yelled the most senior cow. "It's time! It's time for the milking party!"

"Oh, boy!" yelled Farmer Diane, throwing the Fiskars Deluxe Telescoping Weeder's extra-long adjustable telescoping handle to the ground. "The milking party!"

The cows all waited patiently as Farmer Diane pulled on her fanciest straw hat and dress overalls. Then, one at a time, they walked over to the milking stool. "Me first! Me first!" the cries echoed through the barn. "My milk is the most fine! Truly, it is!"

The clerk at the counter stared at Lesley, in gentle confusion.

"Ma'am, that is a lovely story, but... I don't think that's where soy milk actually comes from."

Lesley waved her dismissal.

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