If this kitchen set won’t impress your unwelcome party guests, nothing will.

“Remind me why we’re here again?” Sylvia turned her head so that only Pamela could hear her.

“Because I was in the elevator when they were talking about it with Margaret from 3A,” Pamela said out of the corner of her mouth. “I think they felt awkward, so they invited me. You’re here because there was no way I was doing this alone.”

“You didn’t tell me they were going to make us take off our shoes. You owe me,” chided Sylvia as she flicked her cigarette ashes in the nearby vase.

Pamela’s eyes widened in feigned astonishment, “And soil the perfectly white carpet?!”

“It’s ecru, Pamela,” corrected Sylvia. “Ugh, she’s so uptight. I bet before he uses the toilet, she makes him wash his a- oh, hey, Brant! Lovely party.”

Brant squinted suspiciously as he passed by and said, “Sylvia, please don’t smoke in here.”

She smiled at him pleasantly before snuffing the butt on the cheese tray. “Come on, Pamela. Let’s go see what Lady Stepford is up to.”

Lesley was in the kitchen, looking perfectly coiffed as usual. She was stirring a pot of fresh tomato sauce with a green and gray spatula that coordinated precisely with her apron.

“Looove the apron, Lesley,” Pamela complimented insincerely.

“Thank you for noticing,” said Lesley. “I got it to match my new JosephJoseph Kitchen Set. The spatula and spoon have this handy integrated tool rest. See how it elevates the head so the sauce doesn’t dirty the counter?”

“What WILL they think of next? You ready for these?” Sylvia picked up the cutting board and starting dumping the diced onions into the pot before Lesley could respond. Some of them missed the pot and fell into the burner. They didn’t catch fire, but they created enough smoke to set off the detector.

Lesley ran over and fanned it with a kitchen towel while all the guests in the other room covered their ears. “THANK YOU, Sylvia. Next time, squeeze the handle on the cutting board. The sides fold up to form a chute so that doesn’t happen.”

“Well isn’t that something. Check this out, Pamela.” Sylvia was now repeatedly squeezing the handle so the sides of the cutting board flapped up and down like the wings of a wounded bird.

Lesley walked over and snatched it out of her hand before turning to Pamela and saying, “Would you mind draining the spaghetti, please? The matching square colander is hanging over there. Sylvia, just try not to touch … anything.”

Sylvia smirked and threw up her arms in mock surrender as Brant walked into the kitchen.

“Brant, honey, could you please hand me the measuring spoon. It’s hanging on the fridge,” said Lesley. “Pamela, this really is the most amazing little gadget. It’s two-sided, teaspoon at one end and tablespoon at the other. And it’s magnetic, so you can stick it just about anywhere!”

Pamela stifled a laugh as Sylvia leaned over and whispered, “I’d like to stick it somewhere.”

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