Kyle, come quick! I’ve made a scientific breakthrough in the kitchen!

Your homework doesn’t matter, Kyle. Because you’re not going to school tomorrow. Because I want you to be at the press conference tomorrow! My press conference! I want you and Sandy and your mom to be there standing proudly by my side when I announce my discovery!

You see, Kyle, everything we once believed about food items being statically solid or liquid, well you can throw it all away! I have discovered, in our own kitchen, a device that is capable of changing matter forever! It’s called an Oster® 10-Cup Stainless Steel Professional Food Processor! Have you ever heard of such a thing?

No, no, Kyle! Don’t interrupt me with your typical adolescent nay-saying! I don’t want to hear it! Instead, just look at this green, sludgy stuff! Do you know what that is? It’s spinach, Kyle! Like the kind that comes in leaves! THAT EXACT KIND! And now I can drink it! If I wanted to! Which I don’t! But it’s nice to know I could! Now, look at the thick, orange stuff here in this other bowl! What do you think that is? NO, WAIT, DON’T ANSWER! I’LL TELL YOU! THIS USED TO BE CARROTS! SERIOUSLY! Did you ever think you’d be able to have carrots as a sauce, Kyle? DID YOU??

You’re right, I do need to calm down. Because there’s work to be done still! Before I make my official announcement, I’ll have to figure out how this mysterious Oster thing really works. It seems to be that all you need is the right combination of 450-watt whisper-quiet induction motor; full-sized feed tube with pusher; reversible 2mm/4mm slicing disc, stainless steel multi-purpose blade, or dough blade; and 10-cup capacity work bowl.

But I’ll have to take it out to the garage and open it up so I can sound like an expert when I call the news teams tomorrow! I wouldn’t want to get stumped by one of their questions; then I’d look like an idiot!

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