I’m the finest Sexual Therapist in Boston. You can trust me.

So Patrick, why don’t you tell me, using the “I” speech we discussed, what issues you have that led you and Sheila to see me?

“Well, doc, quite frankly she don’t appreciate my caulk no more.”

Okay, so I appreciate your…frankness. But remember, “I” language.

“Sorry, sorry. This stuff’s kinda new to me. Okay, so I don’t feel like SHEILA even gives a damn about my caulk these days. I can barely get her to look at it.”

Okay, good. Good. We’re communicating. So Sheila, how does that make you feel?

“Angry.”

Why angry?

“I don’t know what I’m supposed to get excited about! We’ve been married 22 years and he’s been trying to get me to look at his caulk every damn day!”

When did you notice your sexual desire lessening?

“What?”

Well, a lot of women your age experience hormonal changes due to the onset of menopause. It can lead to decreased desire.

“Doc, I’m doin’ fine downstairs. I’m just sick of looking at caulk.”

“Yeah, no complaints in that department, doc. I’d just like her to check out my caulk.”

Okay, maybe I’m confused then.

“Well I work hard at it! I spend all day gettin’ my caulk just right and, y’know, I got pride! I’m a man, after all! I don’t think it’s too much to ask for my wife to appreciate my caulk!”

And Sheila, what do you think?

“You’ve seen one, you’ve seen ‘em all. And it’s not just his!”

What?

“Yeah, he spends all day with his buddies just workin’ up their caulks, and then I’m supposed to come by like a teacher with stickers givin’ ‘em all the approval they need. I’ve got a job! I’ve got two kids! I can’t come by his work every day and tell everyone how nice their caulks look.”

I’m sorry, so you two have an open relationship?

“What?”

“Doc, we’re talkin’ about my caulk. Y’know, like a Pro Caulk Complete Caulking Kit 2-Pack here.”

Oh, CAULK. I’m sorry. I thought you were talking about-

“You thought we were-”

“That’s sick, man. You’re sick.”

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