Go ahead. Close your eyes and inhale the first pure, clean and, most importantly, guilt-free breath you’ve taken in a long time. You’ve earned it.

When you open them, they’ll all still be there. Your list of confessions now complete, every person you’ve ever secretly wronged will be staring with horrified eyes at the monster you’ve revealed yourself to be, with only the gentle hum of your Sanyo Air Washer Air Purifier to mask their silent dismay.

Your daughter will be the first to speak. “So Mr. Fuzz-fuzz didn’t really go to the Happy Farm?” she’ll ask. She had only just put aside the joyful memories of her tiny canine friend thanks to the pet dander and odor neutralizing power of the purifier. When you shake your head, however, she’ll be forced to relive the “accident” in her mind before throwing herself into your wife’s arms and bawling.

Your next door neighbor will try to rush you, then, determined to tear you apart with his bare hands as his pregnant wife gasps with fear. It’ll take the combined strength of your high school guidance counselor and your old manager from Burger On A Stick to keep him from doing so. “I knew something was wrong,” he’ll bellow. “The doctors all said I couldn’t father children! But I never thought it would be YOU!” He’ll struggle against the others, throwing dust and pollen from his clothing into the air for the air purifier to remove 99.97% of with its high performance 4-Stage HEPA filtration. You will only smile sheepishly and shrug.

The room will erupt then. Insults, threats, and promises of revenge will fly about like electrolyzed water with a high disinfectant effect in mist form. For a moment, you will gaze upon the chaos your lies and actions have created with a sort of grim pride and be thankful that you filled the removable water tank before your little confessional. There will be a lot of bacteria and allergen particles that’ll need neutralizing in the room once this is all over, not to mention the odor of gun smoke from the pistol your college English professor will fire directly into your back five times.

But for now, enjoy the cool, refreshing wonder that is the clean air now filling your lungs. It’s not so hard to breathe with all that weight off your chest now, is it?

Back to top