Hand me another slice of bread, Karen. This next piece of French toast is going to make us rich, I can feel it!

I know I have a lot to apologize for, honey. We’ve spent nearly our entire life savings on this little scheme of mine. We’ve sold the house, sold the car, quit our jobs and moved in with your parents. Even when I sustained a horrible electric shock using a grill-slash-griddle that IS DEFINITELY NOT THIS ONE, you’ve stood by me. Sorry for yelling there, dear. Still having trouble with volume control since the accident.

I’m telling you, though, the moment we cook up a slice of French toast that has a burn pattern on it that looks like a famous person on this COMPLETELY UN-RECALLED Wolfgang Puck Electric Grill/Griddle, all that trouble is going to be worth it.

Well, your mother is wrong, Karen. This isn’t an “obsession.” It’s more of a get-rich-quick scheme that I’ve invested way too much into to quit. But with each failed attempt, I learn more tricks! By using the Adjustable Temperature Control with Easy-Release Lever, I might be able to get Winston Churchill, Justin Beiber, maybe even Jesus Flores of the Washington Nationals to show up on the bread! Potentially, anyway. And with the extra-large cooking surface, the odds of Margret Thatcher’s cold, steely visage appearing go up a certain unknowable degree! I think.

I know you wanted a “normal” life where your husband might sometimes use the grill side so that the removable, dishwasher-safe drip tray might get a little use, but that’s not the man you married. I have a vision of our future, Karen, and that vision doesn’t include using this appliance as a buffet server for flat bottom cookware, oh no. It involves you, me, a house in the Hamptons, and a framed newspaper clipping that reads “Image of Blue Ivy Carter Nets Man $1.5 Million On eBay.” Now grab some more butter out of your dad’s deep freezer. I’ve got a feeling today’s the day.

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